Over the past decade, there has been more discussion about the term “parental alienation,” while studies also suggest that many people aren’t sure they understand what parental alienation is or its consequences. And this confusion is furthered by the fact that behaviors relating to parental alienation are stunningly common. So, it’s important to understand what parental alienation is—and isn’t. And to learn how damaging parental alienation is, both to the targeted parent and their child.
What Parental Alienation Is—and Isn’t
In recent years, researchers have come to a consensus definition of parental alienation: It’s a psychological condition where a child rejects a relationship with one parent while allying themselves with the other, and the child’s rejection of the parent is without legitimate justification.
By contrast, the term “estrangement” describes a situation when a child rejects a parent, but the child does have justification in doing so, such as when the parent is physically abusive or has abused drugs.
Yet surprisingly enough, in abusive or neglectful situations, most children don’t cut their parents off. Instead, they continue to seek a relationship with them. It’s during alienation that kids are eager to end all contact with the other parent permanently.
Researchers have concluded that behaviors linked to parental alienation are fairly common. And while damaging, parental alienation behaviors do not automatically constitute parental alienation, nor do they always result in it: About 29% of children in divorced homes experience some of these behaviors, but only about 1% of kids are alienated from a parent.
Similarly, while parental alienation arises out of a high-conflict divorce, parental alienation is more likely when only one parent is driving the hostility. And it’s the target of the hostility —not the driver of it—who is more likely to become the target of the alienation.
Diagnosing Parental Alienation
There are other explanations for why a child wouldn’t want to spend time with a parent, such as feeling more comfortable in one parent’s home than another, differences in the parents’ parenting styles, and other issues. But it is possible to differentiate alienation from problems such as these.
Researchers use a “five-factor model” to diagnose alienation:
- The child refuses contact / a relationship with one parent
- The child previously had a positive relationship with that parent
- There is no history of that parent having abused or neglected the child or parented in a seriously deficient manner
- The favored parent is using multiple alienating behaviors
- The child is demonstrating the signs of alienation
Studies have further shown that children with moderate to severe alienation show all of the following criteria:
- The resistance to the parent is chronic, frequent, and occurs the majority of the time; it is not temporary, occasional, or limited to particular situations
- The behavior is only directed to one parent
- The behavior is not paired with displays of genuine affection and love to that parent
- The behavior is not reasonably justified by the parent’s past or current behavior
- The behavior is not consistent with a child of this age’s typical development
Specific behaviors also often act as trademarks of alienation. Children in an alienated relationship tend to see the targeted parent as “all bad,” even in trivial ways, whereas the favored parent is “all good.” A child may denigrate the parent to others such as counselors, custody evaluators, law enforcement, and attorneys, and they don’t feel any guilt for being rude or hurtful to their rejected parent. They claim they’ve come to their negative views about the parent on their own (as an “independent thinker”), but it’s obvious the other parent has influenced them. They may reject the targeted parent’s extended family as well.
What Alienating Parents Are Doing
Studies have shown that alienating parents intentionally or unintentionally disrupt the child’s relationship with the other parent. But regardless of their motives, the alienating parent consistently acts in ways that destroy the other parent’s relationship with the child. Researchers have identified hundreds of behaviors used by alienating parents, but these are some of the most common:
- Limiting children’s time with the other parent
- Interfering with the child’s contact (e.g., interrupting phone calls, deleting emails, or calling when the child is with the other parent)
- Withholding love and approval if the child shows interest in the other parent
- Telling the child that the other parent does not love them
- Confiding with the child about adult topics (such as legal issues)
- Asking the child to report on the rejected parent’s actions
- Withholding information about the child from the other parent
- Refer to the other parent by their first name (rather than “Dad” or “Mom”) and encourage the child to do so as well
The Impact of Alienation on Children and Alienated Parents
Everyone in a family suffers due to parental alienation.
Of course, the alienated parents suffer the most directly. With some likening the experience of alienation to the child’s death, alienated parents have negative psychological and emotional outcomes. They are more likely to be depressed, and the more distant the relationship their relationship with their child, the more severe their depression. Alienated parents are also significantly more likely to have considered suicide.
The children are also impacted, as the alienating parent disrupts the child’s sense of self. Research has shown that alienating parents teach their children to mistrust their judgment. The children must prioritize their favored parent’s psychological needs over their own, and they are taught to disconnect their internal and external experiences. As adults, alienated children are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and substance abuse issues.
And ironically enough, alienating parents can get hurt, too. Parents who are proven to be alienating are less likely to get custody and more likely to have their parenting time reduced.
We have just scratched the surface when it comes to the issues facing parental alienation. And as much as there is more to say, what should be already clear is that parental alienation is real and destructive.
Stephen Vertucci is a family law and divorce attorney in Fort Collins, Colorado. Mr. Vertucci has helped many clients with divorce, child custody, spousal support, property division, parental visitation, and child relocation disputes.
